Friday, April 02, 2010

a bundle of smiles..

i smile for my own house and being here for a year now..

..i smile for family.. visits last xmas.. ..plans for a visit during the winter months.. and the connectedness that txts afford..

..i smile for the companionship of my three dogs who just want to be where i am.. no questions asked..

..i smile for challenges that lead to new beginnings..

..for that grrl on the end of the phone and sometimes in my arms.. ..i smile for anticipation..

..i smile for a shiny new red spa..

..i smile for solitude and for engagment..

..and most recently i smile for my new job.. and for the never ending parade of possibilites..

..i like to smile...

Monday, January 25, 2010

Sunday, January 10, 2010

i love my blog !!

wow.. its been 12 months since i wrote here..

..i lost my online connection to life for awhile.. but on revisiting my blog.. i am so pleased i have been recording my life here.. and it feels like a sort of home to come back to.. many ending and beginnings.. some already recorded in the posts.. and some still unwritten.. feels a little like a tumble weed.. :)

..i'm not sure what to write about.. but i do have some new pics which tell a story on their own..

Thursday, January 01, 2009

my dad..

ducks of my life..

10 blessings for 2009

..On the very first day of a new year.. its a perfect time to look ahead, in anticipation of all the blessings the new year holds...

10 blessings for the year ahead..

i hope ..
- to be open to and to facilitate, more fulfilling connections with the ppl i meet..

- for long, luxurious converstions, full of insights and affirmations

- to give and receive love on a daily basis, evidenced and inspired by the actions of those ppl with whom i connect..

- to daily indulge in self nurturing practices such as drumming, walking near water, meditating and chanting..

- to continue to honour the uniqueness of my journey.. by being brave enough to turn the pages in my own time and in my own way..

- to honour the uniqueness of other ppl's journey's by assuming nothing and listening intently to each person who trusts me enough to share their truths and desires ..

- to be open to witnessing the beauty of the earth and to acknowledging the miracles that occur all around me..

- to always attempt to give, as much as i receive..

- to embrace this gift of a year with excitement and all the wisdom i have gathered so far..

- to be thankful for each day..


another goodbye

..Phoebe left me on 2 December 2008, to be with Mintie and Clarke.. after briefly meeting my new little puppy, Malibu..

..for one day.. they both sat under my study chair, sharing time with me.. Phoebe was too sick to pay much attention but she did wag her tail once, in acknowledgement of the presence of the new puppy..

Phoebe was tired, at the end of a long happy life.. for me, there was a sadness at her leaving.. but some how a peacefullness also.. it was her time for goodbye..

..i decided that day.. that Malibu should be called Febe.. in honour of the first dog who stole my heart..
Phoebe is now my little spirit in the sky.. ..and Febe reminds me daily of the dog that came before her.. every time i call her name..

Saturday, October 18, 2008

..six months later..

..six months on from when Mintie and then Clarke (our dogs) died.. ..and my last post here..

..i was talking to a good friend the other day, and she asked if i still write on my blog.. and i had to rely no.. that somehow felt wrong because i have been recording my life here for a number of years.. i am back.. :) and smiling again..

..i said to Merran (Rasta) this morning.. it feels like life stopped when Mintie and Clarke died.. and she nodded agreement.. saying that she had visited my blog earlier in the week.. and cried many tears at her own words about Clarke, i recorded below.. sorta did stop for awhile.. the train came to a jerky, sharp stop as it pulled into the station and both Merran and i got out.. on opposite sides of the train.. ..but just as the doors were closing, we both jumped back in.. and them out again.. ..repeatedly.. but try as we may.. the ride did eventually end at that station.. ..when the train left that station.. neither Merran or i were onboard.. was a sudden and almost unexpected end to our journey.. but in some ways, so inevitable..

..of course.. it wasnt just the loss of two dogs in close succession that caused Merran and I to go our separate ways.. but it was perhaps the event that tipped the scales too far..

..i wont write about Merran's new direction.. partly because that is her story to tell.. and partly because i dont really know the details of her story any more... ..but i will contiinue recording my own story here.. cos i like to.. :)

..Merran and I are still sharing our rented house at Woolloongabba.. ..we have just signed a six month lease..

..and today.. 18 October 2008.. my house in Newcastle is listed for sale, for the first time..

..i intend to buy a house in Brisbane when the Newcastle house is sold.. Brisbane feels like home to me.. even though Merran and I are no longer together.. ..there is something about Brisbane that makes me want to stay.. when i try to think about what that is.. the closest i get is my work.. i love my job.. ..and as well, i am so looking forward to having my own house again..

..i love how it happens that where there are endings, there are also beginnings..

..over the past few months some delicious events have occurred.. i have renewed some old connections with new enthusiasm.. and this has warmed my heart..

..i have also made some new connections in the world.. people amaze me.. ..i feel so lucky and rewarded by the goddess..

..animals are so important in my life.. and i still have my beautiful old dog Phoe.. but i have recently adopted a new dog.. who is 7 weeks old today.. her name is Malibu and she is full of the promise of new life.. ..i love her for it..

..i sat for quite some time at that station.. before being able to feel that i had a direction and could journey on.. ..six months on from the loss of Mintie and Clarke.. my world feels like a blessed haven again.. ..thank you goddess !!

..and thank you for reading my words..

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

He was my boi...

He was my boi, or more appropriately, I was his grrl. I know this because he would never let me sleep alone, never let me sit on the couch by myself, never allow me to wash the floors or dust the bookcases without shadowing me, always making sure I was within sight or barking range. Just in case he needed a hug or I needed a cuddle.

Mr Clarke, also affectionately known as WackWack, Skew, Humper or Dougie the Pizza Boi came into our lives just over four years ago. He was a “pound puppy” - well not so much a puppy at 8 years old – a gift from Mace to me, my “own” dog – the one who would love me first – and oh he did that.

You just knew he had something going for him. Mace found him on the Sydney Dogs Home “Deathrow” website among pages and pages of other little white fluffies needing a home. He stood out though – no ordinary mugshot for him, no standard profile about being sweet or pretty or gentle. Not for Clarke. Someone had taken the time to dress him in his Superman suit for his mugshot; someone had taken the time to write a story about his superdog powers. Mr Clarke has already found his way into the heart of at least one Dog’s Home worker, charmed them into creating a special portfolio for his place on the net!

Mace travelled six hours to get him. She brought home a scraggly waif of a dog with the world’s worst haircut. For all the world he looked like a most unlikely super hero. His legs were all wrong – like someone had screwed his back legs on the front and his front legs on the back and hadn’t bothered to position them properly so that they turned our like Queen Anne legs on an antique dressing table. And he had a dicky heart housed inside a huge chest, much too big for such a small pocketful of a dog.

But he’d look up at you with deep brown eyes from underneath his overgrown eyebrows and your heart would melt. He’d dare you to cuddle him and when you did he’d moan and groan with joy, nestling into that cuddle deeper and deeper, never wanting it to stop. He’d throw himself into it the way he’d throw himself into everything life had to offer him; the way he’d throw himself at you when you walked through the door, or how at meal time he’d start up his own cheer squad, barking from the time you opened the fridge until the time his food was put in front of him. He never walked, he trotted, chest out, little Queen Anne legs flying out in front and behind him. And he loved the car; well he loved car trips to McDonald’s really. Each time the car would stop, at a traffic light or a roundabout he’d look expectantly at the driver’s side window and start barking because surely we had arrived at the drive-thru counter and he’d charm his way into a cheeseburger or a hash brown yet. That car trip from Newcastle to Brisbane was torturous! But that was Mr Clarke; life was just too damn exciting to do anything slowly or quietly.

Mr Clarke had “Dog’s Home manners” – he was as Mace called it “streetwise”. But he wasn’t really humping your leg, he was telling you to pick him up and give him a cuddle; he wasn’t barking at nothing, he was shouting out hello to the world (and sometimes there were a lot of hellos to be said even at 3.00am in the morning while sitting on the end of your bed!). There was a certain “blue singlet” working class charm to him – he could bounce all over and off Phoebe and Mintie with immunity – our regal poodle boi Mintie tolerated him - surely thinking “delinquent lower class fool”. And Phoebe, butch no-nonsense queen of the realm that she is fell for Mr Clarke’s bad boi charms from the moment she laid eyes on him.

In recent years Mr Clarke’s heart condition worsened. But even a daily cocktail of medications didn’t slow him down. He was, in the words of his vet “an old man with an eighty year old heart and a two year old’s brain that just refused to accept that life should be lived more slowly”. How else to explain a 14 year old dog with chronic heart congestion who tears a ligament is his leg after chasing that bush turkey all over the backyard! In times of over excitement Mr Clarke would faint – the only way his heart and body could tell him to slow down. But minutes later he’d be back on his feet ready to take on the world again.

Today Mr Clarke died of a broken heart. The stress of losing his aloof little mate Mintie earlier this week put added pressure on his failing huge heart. After two days in an oxygen cage, rallying and fading, rallying and fading again, I could no longer let him suffer – for a little waif of a dog who lived life with a huge heart, it seemed too much to keep asking his heart to hold on for my benefit. And the thing is that I know he would, that he would hold on for me. I hope he knows that my decision was about giving him the peace he needed and deserved.

When we first talked about getting Mr Clarke from the Dog’s Home, my initial thought was that we needed another dog like we needed a hole in the head. Today I know that my little superboi’s death leaves a gaping hole in my own heart but I hold onto my memories of him and to the knowledge that he’ll be “a-humpin and a-barkin” with Mintie in the backyard of the Goddess right about now.

Rest in peace my little Clarkie-man. Your heart was too big for this world but just right for the next.

2 March 2008