Saturday, April 28, 2007

hello to fam and friends..

..just when i think i am largely writing to myself.. ppl mention that they check my blog.. so i'm posting a few up dates..

Merran and I went to the Sunshine Coast Hinterland for a day trip today. some fabo towns.. markets and divine lunch..

we went to Eumundi for the markets.. and ran into some Newcastle buddies who were holidaying.. i guess we do live in teh holiday state !! nice..

..and we went to Montville for lunch.. crafty lil town, perched at the top of a mountain with impressive views either side of the mountain... to the sea on one side and a wide view across trees and paddocks looking inland..

..some pics for you.. (they are curtesy of google.. whereabouts of camera temporarily unknown)..

..Police Park

..where i work..
in the middle western suburbs..
an area with poor housing, most of it public housing and a large cultural mix including Sudanese refugees and a significant Aborignal population, there is a park called Police Park, by the locals and service providers like myself..
..At the centre of this suburb there is a hub around the railway station..
there are some shops.. but not the kind you travel far to visit..
some take aways.. a tattoo shop.. Macca's and Hungry Jacks..
the main focus of this centre is the service providers ..
the govt agencies that this community relies on each day..
... and my office is here..
Police Park is across the road and down a block.. next to Macca's..
and its where parents who have kids in the child protection system are often given supervised contact with their children..
these are the parents of Police Park..
the ones who care enough to want contact..
but often arent able to provide the care and protection their children need.. t
hat can happen because of life choices.. like drugs and alcohol...
and because of their own deprived background..
..and poor mental health is often a big factor..
the parents who love but cant care enough or appropriately.. its sad..
and not talked about alot..
..i see and talk with these parents every day.. the parents of Police Park..

If i could sit with you..

and you could hear me...

you would be amazed..

..if you could see what i hold in my heart for you..

and others like you..

its not contempt at all..

its a long way from that..

i admire you and i despair for you..

i acknowledge your love and know you are trying your hardest..

life has not equipped you with the skills and resources to do a better job...

..its your puzzlement and striving...

..its the fact that you have no idea what is required or why...

yet you stay and you struggle with foriegn standards and rules.. its the love..

the unyielding love..

that shows in the hugs and the tears that you give freely

..if i could only sit quitely with you..

..if only there were words to bridge you and i..

..but i know there's not..

some thoughts from my day...

.. i took a little girl to a new foster home..

a home i found for her..
this is the first time i've actually done this part of my job because the team i work in mainly deals with children already in care..

this litle girl however, (an 8 year old) told me she wasnt happy living with the foster family she had - i listened to her reasons and i agreed that she needed to move..

..its a sad fact that a home can be a very fragile thing for a foster child..

today, she was all keen after an initial visit yesterday, to see her new 'sister', another child in the placement, and bragged to the children she was leaving behind in the last foster house, that she had apool in her new house.. is that transportable.. or is it?? the car, as we drove to the new foster house and i gently asked how she was feeling (she had spend 5 years in the home she had just said good bye to)..

her reply was to get out her colouring book and to talk about the new colour pens she had.. she coped by not engaging with her feelings.. an all too common side effect of trauma..

..i hope this home is one she can grow up in until she is 18.. i wonder..

its a very big sadness..

its a very big sadness when a child is crying with no tears..
Its a very big sadness when that goes on for years..
Years in care. it makes you wonder why we call it care..
It goes on for years.. and its a very big sadness..
when those invisible tears turn to silent screams....
Ice blue eyes that dont hide the very big sadness..
they are windows to the crying....
if only there was a way to undo the sadness you claim as yours..
if only each child in care received care and not sadness..
.is what we have saved you from worse that the place you now live..
..its a very big sadness little child..
that childhood for you holds no joy.. in innocense.. no magic.. doesnt seem fair..
i can feel your pain.. but i doubt i will ever be able to reach you..
..a very big sadness for a very young life..
if i said sorry little would change..
there are no words that will easy this pain..
8 years old.. the reality is too stark..
i wish i could say sorry for what you have endured..
i wish i could say sorry and have you know i mean it..
if only sorry could fix the pain of eight short years..
..i will give you my friendship..
and hope the healing will begin..

Happy B'day LPA

i run an online parenting group.. i started it when i was searching for a donor for my grrl Rasta.. our path to parenting has turned out differently than i expected when i started the support group.. but the group is just magic.. we have 170 members and over 1,000 messages a months.. just a great bunch of new and wonnabee mamas.... so today is the first anniversary of the group.. i started it and posted my first message to the group 12 months ago today.. ..below is Rasta's message she posted to the group today.. in celebration of the group's success.. gotta love her words.. i wanted to share it with you.. love can really lift you up sometimes.. Mace
"Tis Rasta here logging on under my own account rather than wearing the moderator's guise of Mace. I just wanted to share something special with each of you. As youmay know by now, our wonderful LPA turns 1 year old today. She a happy and healthy toddler with many friends - she's very active and rarely sleeps (except when her favourite toy - the Yahoo gets broke or her parents (Mace and Rasta) need some time out). She listens attentively when you speak to her and she has an amazing ability toconnect with people and to connect people with each other. But most importantly, she was born of love - she represents the tireless efforts of my wonderful partner Mace to keep alive my own dream of having a child. Having exhausted almost every possibility -the clinics, the donors, the adoption processes both domestic andoverseas, the fostering options (oh and that short stint of thepossibility of just taking a little tacker from the local park!) I had all but given up on the prospect of having a family with Mace. She conceived of LPA as a way of keeping the options open, sharing information and providing support (for ourselves and for everyone whojoins in). She gave LPA to me as a gift - of her love and her commitment to my dream...our dream. For that I am truly blessed andI draw from that gift the strength to hope and the solace of knowing that if it doesn't happen for us we continue to be part of a wider family we didn't know existed 12 months ago - a family of lesbian parents and their babies both young and old. So on the first birthday of LPA, that is what she means to me. I wish each of you the chance of fulfilling your dreams, the comfort of knowing that no matter what we'll be here for you and the hope that you will each know the type of love and safety that Mace gives to me.
Hugs Rasta
Got all I could need but gonna get a babe soon too! PS: Okay, where's the birthday cake?