Saturday, August 18, 2007

..I was asleep when it happened..

i was asleep when it happened

....but i've not slept well since....i forget sometimes and say, 'she is my fifth',

..always too late, i realise the secret i've shared..

when i see puzzlement on the faces of those that have heard.. see it in the news or on tv..

a life changing event, well it happened to me..

..i was asleep at the time..

..i was asleep at the time, when it happened to me.. see, my third baby died by shaking..

i was asleep at the time..

when it happened to me..

..i lost everything that day..

not least my young baby but the list goes on..

..i lost my partner, taken away for his actions that day..

seven years later he is still in jail..

..i hate him, i loved him ..

such a hole he has made..

..and after it happened, i was blamed too..

i should have known how to protect him they said..

..they came and they took my older two away..

to be cared for by others ..

i felt so ashamed..

..i cried and i cried and i felt so ashamed..

..i blamed myself for my little ones death..

i should have done more..

..i went to counselling to talk about loss.. learn how to deal with the pain.. years later, i accept the loss..

..but how do i get past the blame..

..they say i should have done more..

you see, she is my fifth..

the older two in care..

my dear baby lost.. .

.a few years back now, i met a man..

..a gentle caring man..

..we loved and we grew a new baby girl..

..her birth melted my pain that had sat there for years new baby brought flashes of delight and terror, all in one breath..

can you imagine the memories she brought home to me..

the terror grew..

..i watch all around.. ..ever alert..

.i left my new partner..

moved in alone.. my baby and me..

i would watch her alone..

..but i was too anxious to watch over her..

epilepy can come on real quick.. and it did..

..they said i was sick...

..they took her as well..

..i tried to find comfort for all my aching years..

for all of my losses..

..but the only way i knew how..

was to hold my own sweet baby in my arms..

so you see..

she is my fifth..

..and again, i lost my baby..

only three days old..

..they came and they took her, straight from hospital this time..

..i went home alone..

it felt like a death.. again..

..i was asleep when it happened..

seven years ago..

..all my children taken..

my heart busted wide open for the fifth time now..

..but this time its different.. they told me today..

my baby is coming home soon.. first, just two days at a time..

..and i am feeling terror and delight all over again.

...but this time you see, they trust me to do it..

..they say i wasnt to blame..

..that day, seven years ago, when all my life changed..

..she is my fifth..


The Funeral

The Funeral was the best funeral i've ever been to.. i am not sure how to explain why.. but i'll try.. where i work is a very poor, disadvantaged area.. when i pulled up in my shiny govie car at the address i was given for the church... it wasnt a church-like building at all ... more of a hall..

.. there were many ppl standing round.. some moving to join the family inside the building.. and others, mothers with children in prams.. some old men.. just seemed content to stand outside and look on..

..i went inside.. the small church was full.. but a young man was setting out another row of stackable chairs.. (all the chairs where this type) - no church pews..

..there were banners everywhere saying "BRONCOS" .. and a large screen photo of the 66 year old gentleman that was the focus of this ceremony, in younger days.. when he had been in the army... ..and more recently, he had been a Bronco's fan.. was a very different ceremony to funerals i have attended in the past.. it was basic and raw.. there was no elaborate, planned agenda.. the minister spoke briefly.. and then asked the family if they would come forward and speak in memory of their father.. grandfather... etc..

..there was some sense that this was a planned procession of speakers.. but it was very organic.. when a family member came to the front of the congregation, and begun talking.. and then had trouble for all the tears that welled up.. another family member would come along side and encourage and support.. there was a sense of these ppl having supported each other before... in many other situations.. it seemed organised.. although unplanned.. there was a harmony in the way they supported each other..

..the treat for me.. was that the oldest foster child in this family, now 18.. was the first to speak.. and she was announced by the minister.. using the family name as her own.. a sign of respect for the ppl she calls her parents.. ..she went on to read a heartfelt peom she had written... about her dad...

..i felt so privileged to be able to witness this funeral..