Saturday, August 18, 2007

..I was asleep when it happened..

i was asleep when it happened

....but i've not slept well since....i forget sometimes and say, 'she is my fifth',

..always too late, i realise the secret i've shared..

when i see puzzlement on the faces of those that have heard.. see it in the news or on tv..

a life changing event, well it happened to me..

..i was asleep at the time..

..i was asleep at the time, when it happened to me.. see, my third baby died by shaking..

i was asleep at the time..

when it happened to me..

..i lost everything that day..

not least my young baby but the list goes on..

..i lost my partner, taken away for his actions that day..

seven years later he is still in jail..

..i hate him, i loved him ..

such a hole he has made..

..and after it happened, i was blamed too..

i should have known how to protect him they said..

..they came and they took my older two away..

to be cared for by others ..

i felt so ashamed..

..i cried and i cried and i felt so ashamed..

..i blamed myself for my little ones death..

i should have done more..

..i went to counselling to talk about loss.. learn how to deal with the pain.. years later, i accept the loss..

..but how do i get past the blame..

..they say i should have done more..

you see, she is my fifth..

the older two in care..

my dear baby lost.. .

.a few years back now, i met a man..

..a gentle caring man..

..we loved and we grew a new baby girl..

..her birth melted my pain that had sat there for years new baby brought flashes of delight and terror, all in one breath..

can you imagine the memories she brought home to me..

the terror grew..

..i watch all around.. ..ever alert..

.i left my new partner..

moved in alone.. my baby and me..

i would watch her alone..

..but i was too anxious to watch over her..

epilepy can come on real quick.. and it did..

..they said i was sick...

..they took her as well..

..i tried to find comfort for all my aching years..

for all of my losses..

..but the only way i knew how..

was to hold my own sweet baby in my arms..

so you see..

she is my fifth..

..and again, i lost my baby..

only three days old..

..they came and they took her, straight from hospital this time..

..i went home alone..

it felt like a death.. again..

..i was asleep when it happened..

seven years ago..

..all my children taken..

my heart busted wide open for the fifth time now..

..but this time its different.. they told me today..

my baby is coming home soon.. first, just two days at a time..

..and i am feeling terror and delight all over again.

...but this time you see, they trust me to do it..

..they say i wasnt to blame..

..that day, seven years ago, when all my life changed..

..she is my fifth..


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